Ever since I was young, I remember always being pushed back. I remember being behind the curtains and never on the front line. I remember being scared of love and affection. Everything was always about my cousins and how beautiful their drawings are, and how cute they look. That made me very insecure. I love my cousins but sometimes adults do things that affect children in all the wrong ways, and when you confront them, they make up excuses. How can I have a positive outlook now, when I didn’t have that as a child.
I was a shy kid and I still kinda am- minus the child part. But I feel like instead of helping me come out of my shell everyone just shoved me back in. I can’t remember anyone ever encouraging me on the things that I liked to do. So, I simply moved away from them and created my own little universe. That’s when I started writing. The things I couldn’t say to people, I would say to my notebooks. If I was angry, happy, annoyed, mad, surprised I would write it all down. I still do that. I’m bad at communication. So, I write it down and sometimes I email or text what’s going on in my mind to that specific person. This is where majority of my poems come from. They’re words I can’t say to ‘people’ directly so I write them.
I don’t know if its childhood trauma or trust issues or the fact that no one listened to me as a child but even now I have trouble talking to people. Letting out my emotions. Saying what’s on my mind. I dislike this about myself, but I can’t seem to get out of it. I feel like I could write a 90,000-word page novel telling people how I feel, but I can’t come and say what’s on my mind directly.
Yes, there is resentment and a lot of anger. I know holding onto grudges and complaining won’t do much for me. But that’s how I started writing. Every novel, story, poem I write has an aspect of me in it. Some characters are real people, some incidents are real, but from another perspective.
I write because I can’t speak. It’s that simple…