The worst kind of pain is the one where you can’t express yourself. Where words transform into tears and your voice starts to crack. You feel that lump in your throat and it expands with every passing second. Where your heart is bleeding and you can’t tell anyone. Where you have so many people around you but no shoulder to lean on.
The worst kind of pain is knowing that no one will ever know what the hell you’re going through, but they will judge you with every ounce of judgement they have in their body. Where you’re tearing and shattering, and you’re waiting for this nightmare to end, but it plays over and over again.
Breaking away from pain is inevitable. You will be hurt and you will bleed until you have no blood left in your veins. That’s just how life is. But the worst part is that sometimes there is no one around you to help you heal. In fact, some people will take salt and rub it all over your wounds.
I don’t blame the people around me. I have the tendency to push everyone away. That’s just how I’m wired. It’s this thought that if no one is close to me than no one can ever hurt me. It usually works. Until I have those days where my thoughts take a hold of me, and I become desperate to hear a voice. I become desperate to speak, but the explosions rumbling in my brain become too loud. That’s when I want to talk to someone. Pour out my heart, but I don’t know where to begin and where to end. I want to spit it all out.
Pain is a very odd thing. It makes you bleed, but it also tells you that you’re alive. Pain is never bad because you learn from it. But it becomes intolerable when you let it slither in your veins, making you hate everything around you. It’s not easy. Dealing with pain is never easy, but don’t let it make you bitter. Don’t let it change you.
The thing that helps me is this verse from the Quran, “Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (Qur’an, 2:286). To me this verse means that I will bend but I won’t break. That I am so strong I can carry mountains on my back. I can sail the deepest oceans.
Even if you don’t believe, just know that the universe has greater plans for you. Think of pain as a cruel teacher who is here to teach you, and once that teacher is done teaching, you’ll have a choice: either you can become better or bitter.